I’ve been checking out lots of footwear lately and not just because of my raging foot fetish. Folks tend to wear their hearts on their feet at music festivals and I tend to make sweeping generalizations about personalities based solely (see what I did there?) on a single criteria.
“I’m cool, confident, and laid back.”
Pros: Lightweight. Easy to slip on and off. Well ventilated.
Cons: The music festival condition known as “homeless feet”. Smashed toes.
“I’m a free spirit OR I’m so high I lost my shoes.”
Pros: The most light weight shoe on the market. Feels great on grass. Costs nothing.
Cons: Magnet for sharp objects. Foot diseases. Drunks will yell taunts like “Get some shoes, hippie!”. Smashed toes (see flip-flops). Homeless feet.
“I’m a hipster with a firm belief in slacktivism. Also, I forgot my Chucks at home.”
Pros: Very comfortable and lightweight. Purchasing a pair gives a child in developing countries a pair.
“I like dancing in the rain and won’t let mud stop me. Plus, I look adorable in them.”
Pros: Feet stay dry. Easily washable. Great protection. Adorable. Extremely adorable on tiny animals.
Cons: Traction issues. Feet smell like a wet dog after removal. Unadorable on men.
“Even if I have to walk six miles through a muddy field this weekend, I’m going to look damn good doing it OR My parents don’t know that I snuck into a rave.”
Pros: Fashionable. Provides needed height to see stage.
Cons: Knee and ankle problems by the age of seventeen.
“I’m going to The Gathering of the Juggalos.”
Pros: Best protection for feet ,especially in mosh pits.
Cons: Too heavy for dancing.