Like a thunderbolt thrown down from the festival gods themselves, the annual Coachella lineup has exploded into our mortal world. And while it’s certainly exciting, we have noticed over the years a certain pattern to the barrage of Coachella themed articles. Let’s revisit the rehashed themes, memes, and headlines of Coachella 20xx.
The Frenzied Initial Lineup Announcement
Usually announced via Twitter, the Coachella lineup is met with a collective shock from the Internet as every news organization in the country simultaneously swarms to post the lineup first. Coachella doesn’t tease out artists (although fans guess most of the acts well in advance) — it just drops the whole dang thing at once.
The Post-Lineup Blowback
After the initial excitement, the haters swarm. The Washington Post pronounced Coachella dead and claimed they would be doing their taxes instead. The Guardian called it “dadrock” and then went on to further smash all Coachella lineups as “profoundly disorganized, oblique, shapeless constellations”. Someone on Reddit doesn’t want to go.
Cochella Hates Women
This is when Coachella takes their annual bashing on not putting enough women on the lineup. Female artists or female-fronted bands only make up 15% of the schedule. For some reason, Coachella is the only festival that comes under this scrutiny while it’s certainly prevalent across the entire industry.
Tickets Sell Out!
Lots of headlines about HOW COACHELLA SOLD OUT IN MINUTES although like all quick selling ticket articles, they never mention how many tickets were available.
Outrageous Prices on the Secondary Market
Following closely on the sellout articles, are “look how expensive tickets are now!” If you have a few extra hundred dollars lying around the secondary market is already offering $800 tickets, although buying a ticket off eBay is your worst possible plan out of all plans. Your best possible plan? Take that $800 and go to two or three other festivals this summer. We have a few suggestions.
Awful Meme Posters
Coachella poster memes with no relevance to music or festivals! Here’s one that just lists Oscar nominated actresses. Here’s one with just soccer references. Here’s one with stuff that dads like.
Distraction. The End of the Buzz.
The Governor’s Ball. BottleRock. Wakarusa. Ultra. And that’s just this week. Our hummingbird attention spans move on until the onslaught of the post-Coachella recap articles. We’ll see you next year when we repost this article.